1. Why did you write a book on mentoring?
We live in a constantly changing, chaotic world. This always-present uncertainty has given people a yearning to connect with someone who can provide comfort, wisdom drawn from experience, and answers to deep questions and issues they confront every day. Mentoring is hardly a new concept, but from what I have seen as I travel around the United States - and other countries I have visited - the need for dedicated and equipped mentors has never been greater.
2. How did you arrive at the title for your book?
If you observe how mentoring is practiced today, particularly in the world of business, it typically is skill and task-driven, geared to teaching someone how to carry out specific responsibilities effectively. There is nothing wrong with that, but it tends to address only one dimension of a person. True mentoring, as I have seen and experienced it, involves life change - and the only way to really change lives is from the inside out, starting with the heart. Someone has said that decisions are made by the emotions, justified by the facts. If that is true, for a positive, long-term impact in a person's life we must start with the heart.
3. You describe mentoring as a "journey." What do you mean by that?
When it comes to mentoring others, many people only want to engage in a "quick fix," unwilling to invest the time and energy needed to help someone develop and move toward realizing his or her potential. I see this in business all the time - executives and managers look for some "product" to mentor their people instead of a "process." However, when people ask how long I mentor someone, I simply respond, "As long as it takes." Developing people the right way - helping them to experience meaningful changes in their lives - requires perseverance, something that many leadership development programs lack today. As a result, a lot of money is spent on programs that yield little or no results. If you want to make a lasting impact, a journey that the mentor and mentoring partner take together is what counts.
4. How does your perspective on mentoring differ from what typically takes place in the workplace today?
As I said, contemporary mentoring tends to be one-dimensional, dealing with some small and very specific facet of a person's life. In addition, mentoring typically is not a true relationship. An "expert" is identified, is somehow assigned to an individual who receives exposure to the mentor's expertise. Often it feels condescending. We believe that mentoring should not establish someone as "superior" to another. That's why we refer to the mentor and mentoring partner - they can (and usually do) mutually learn and benefit from the relationship. In fact, the best mentors put their mentoring partners above their own agendas.
5. In your book you talk about taking a "wholeness" approach to mentoring? Explain what you mean by that.
Wholeness means recognizing that everyone is a composite of mind, body, spirit and emotions (or relationships), all interrelated and inseparable. Basically, we are talking about mentoring people in a multidimensional way because that is how they are created. Problems in a marriage, sickness, death of a loved one, the loss of a job, financial difficulties, etc. all are issues that inevitably affect all other areas in some way. We can help people become highly competent in dealing with the task at hand, but if they are in physical or emotional pain, or struggling with personal issues, they still won't be as productive as they could be. To mentor someone effectively, the whole, multidimensional person must be taken into account.
6. You write that relationships should be central in mentoring. How do you bring that about?
In any thriving relationship, the idea of equality and mutuality is important. We encourage mentors to let their mentoring partners set the agenda - identifying their needs and the areas where they would like to focus. The mentor is there to facilitate this process and create an environment for the mentoring partner to grow and develop, not vice versa. Once that is established, the partner starts to feel comfortable in knowing he or she does not have to "perform," but does have something of value to offer the mentor in return.
7. What is your personal background in mentoring?
As I explain in the book, two men in particular played important mentoring roles in my life. The first came at a time when I lacked direction and was confused about my life, personally and professionally. Through his consistent, unconditional counsel and support I began to find solutions to the issues I had been wrestling with. The second man came along later, helping me develop more effectively as a leader and a mentor. I began mentoring men myself more than 20 years ago, and have found this also played a significant role in my personal development. Understanding what mentors have meant to me, and how mentoring others has enhanced my life, has reinforced my conviction that people should either be mentoring or being mentored - or both. I cannot not mentor, and I believe many other people will find this to be true in their lives as well.
8. In your view, how does adversity play a role in the mentoring process?
When I start mentoring men, especially younger men, one of the primary questions they ask is, "Can you help me with my pain?" Many of them have experienced shattered relationships and lack confidence and understanding of how to build new ones that will last. They may have experienced failures - if not, they will. Failure can be an excellent teacher, but often we need someone there to stand by us, encourage us, and help us grasp the profound lessons we can learn in the process. And most important of all, adversity builds character, which I call "the substance of mentoring."
9. Explain what you mean about addressing a mentoring partner's passion.
Many times I start mentoring someone who is successful in his career, but feels miserable. He may have been directed toward a vocation that utilizes his skills and training, but feels unfulfilled because the job fails to address his deep-felt interests or "passions." For instance, a person may be very creative but is stuck in a repetitive, unimaginative position. Or the person may love working with people, but the job may greatly restrict personal interactions. In addressing someone's passion, we seek to either align the person's work with his or her passion, or find ways of satisfying that passion outside of the job environment.
10. You state that priorities are a third major issue that must be addressed in a mentoring relationship. Why?
Young and old, leaders struggle mightily in trying to achieve some balance in their priorities, those commitments they deeply believe are important. Many times their priorities are simply out of whack. Intense work demands require that they spend long hours on the job, neglecting their families. In addition, they may have little time to spend with friends, engage in personal hobbies, or participate in causes they value. They are desperately looking for balance - a way of satisfactorily dealing with their diverse responsibilities and expectations. Many times a mentor who has dealt with similar challenges, even one who still struggles at times, can help immeasurably.
11. You devote an entire chapter in the book to spirituality. What does spirituality have to do with mentoring?
Spirituality is what I term "the fuel that drives the engine." It serves as the source of our values, gives our lives purpose and meaning, and helps us to discover who we are and how we fit into the world where we live and work. However, it's important to make the distinction between spirituality and religion: To many people, religion equates to rigid rules, institutions, traditions and structure. Spirituality, on the other hand, involves being able to connect somehow - with God and with the world around them in a meaningful way. This subject frequently comes up in mentoring, not only because of the partner's own curiosity, but also because of such widespread interest in spiritual things throughout our country - even in the business world. Interestingly, mentoring partners often realize how much what they believe spiritually affects other areas of their lives.
12. Do you have a suggested age range for people to engage in mentoring relationships?
Basically, I think it's never too early - or too late - to get involved in mentoring. College-age people, for instance, could mentor high school students. And there is no such thing as being "too old" to be a mentor. In fact, I have found that young and emerging leaders in the business and professional world desperately seek older, more experienced persons with whom they can interact, share struggles, and receive help in working through pressing issues in their careers, families and personal lives. Most people are capable of mentoring someone else, but they feel inadequate and fear failure. Part of this is because of information overload - there are so many books filled with how-to's on how to mentor, it becomes impossible to remember all the suggested skills and techniques. We have made it too complicated. In The Heart of Mentoring, we hope to show that mentoring can be as natural as just relating to someone in a casual, conversational way. I hope that when people finish reading our book, they will conclude, "Wow! I can do this!"
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© 2003 Leaders Legacy, Inc.
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